Warning! Tonight's blog is not for the faint of heart. It's not for anyone who reads my posts and thinks that I have it all together. Because tonight the truth comes out: I don't have it all together. In fact, I'm not even sure I have "it" all in the same zip code.
The last little bit has been pretty rough for me. I love my kids. I love Jackson and Parker more than anything in the world. However, there are times when I really question whether I'm cut out for being a mom. If the me from five years ago saw me now, I'm pretty sure she'd be disappointed.
I always thought I'd be the cool mom. I always thought I'd be the one having play dates at the park, sipping a Starbucks at the library story time (away from the books, I swear), and dressing my kids in super cute, eclectic outfits just like mine.
The truth is: I'm lucky to get myself and the boys out the door before 10am with clothes on. Most of the time, I'm not quite sure the clothes match and at least one of my kids (or me) has Pop Tart, milk, or spit up on our clothes. Usually, I just wipe it off, run out the door, and hope for the best.
Really? This is what life is like?
I never thought I'd be up until 11:30 at night scrubbing fish juice off my stove, picking up toys before I trip on them, or worst yet, crying as I get rid of Jackson's first high chair. (He is graduating to a booster seat at the table).
Why am I crying? Because I see my kids childhood flying by and I am not the mother I want to be. Instead of being the cool one, the eclectic one, the one that best fits my personality, I'm the mom who secretly spends every moment out in public praying my kids don't make any noise and looking at my watch counting the hours until bedtime so I can (hopefully!) finish my grad school work due at midnight.
What is my life like right now? A blur.
For heaven's sake, I just want to be able to stop and smell the roses. If I can't have roses, I'd at least like to appreciate the smell of spit up before it's gone.
With love (and a heavy heart),
Anna
Preemie Ticker
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Celebrations in Atlanta and Settling Back in at Home
At the beginning of January, our little family took a wonderful trip to Atlanta to see my family and celebrate my birthday. The boys had their first plane ride, and thankfully, they did great! There were only a few, short-lived moments when we were "That Family" with the screaming kids. :)
Seeing my family was amazing. It's always surprising to me just how much I miss them and miss being in Georgia. We had a wonderful time hanging out, letting the boys play, watching Jackson bark at Moose (their big dog), and eating lots of delicious food. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to diet for months to get rid of all of the carb heavy meals I ate.
It was really special because it was the first time my family got to see Jackson really walking and the first time my sisters got to meet Parker. Of course, they loved covering both of the boys in attention and spending some QT with their nephews. My sisters are really spectacular Aunties, and of course, my parents are stunning grandparents. My boys are really lucky to have such a loving family.
We also had lunch with some of the wonderful nurses and OT that worked with Jackson in the NICU. I'm so thankful for the impact they made in our life and for taking such good care of my precious Jackson when I couldn't. I really couldn't have asked for anything better. There is no where in the world I would have rather sent Jackson than to Northside.
Coming home was difficult. Of course, I was excited to see my kitties, but leaving Georgia was tough. Once we got home, my school semester started full swing, Ryan started working on a new project (although he isn't nose deep in it yet), and of course, poor Jackson got sick. He's been sick for awhile now with ear infections and a really yucky virus. Hopefully, he's finally on the mend. He spent a long afternoon with Ryan at the ER after almost a week of seeing our pediatrician and thankfully, we were reassured that he just has an awful virus that he is struggling to kick. As much as I hate my beloved being sick, I'm thankful that he doesn't have anything more serious.
I also saw an endocrinologist once we got home. He believes that I have Hashimoto Disease which is an auto-immune disease that attacks the thyroid. As many of you remember, I've been struggling with thyroid disease since I delivered Jackson. For now, we're going to continue adjusting my dose of Synthroid and keep having follow-up visits. In June, we'll consider other options.
In other major news, Parker had his 6 month check up! The doctor says he is developmentally ahead of his actual age (yay!) and weighs 18.5 pounds! He's a chunky monkey! He has crawled a few inches (once), rolled over, makes lots of noises, blows raspberries, and grabs at toys! He's also sitting assisted and has even sat for a few minutes unassisted (but I stay close by because he tends to fall over once he's tired and doesn't catch himself). For a little boy, he's doing great! (Boys are typically a little further behind).
That's our family! My camera hasn't been functioning recently (I lost my camera battery charger...or more accurately, I'm pretty sure Jackson hid it when Ryan wasn't watching and now we can't find it) so I don't have any new pictures. Ryan did just buy me a new camera, so hopefully it'll arrive soon and I can take some pictures!
With love,
Anna
Seeing my family was amazing. It's always surprising to me just how much I miss them and miss being in Georgia. We had a wonderful time hanging out, letting the boys play, watching Jackson bark at Moose (their big dog), and eating lots of delicious food. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to diet for months to get rid of all of the carb heavy meals I ate.
It was really special because it was the first time my family got to see Jackson really walking and the first time my sisters got to meet Parker. Of course, they loved covering both of the boys in attention and spending some QT with their nephews. My sisters are really spectacular Aunties, and of course, my parents are stunning grandparents. My boys are really lucky to have such a loving family.
We also had lunch with some of the wonderful nurses and OT that worked with Jackson in the NICU. I'm so thankful for the impact they made in our life and for taking such good care of my precious Jackson when I couldn't. I really couldn't have asked for anything better. There is no where in the world I would have rather sent Jackson than to Northside.
Coming home was difficult. Of course, I was excited to see my kitties, but leaving Georgia was tough. Once we got home, my school semester started full swing, Ryan started working on a new project (although he isn't nose deep in it yet), and of course, poor Jackson got sick. He's been sick for awhile now with ear infections and a really yucky virus. Hopefully, he's finally on the mend. He spent a long afternoon with Ryan at the ER after almost a week of seeing our pediatrician and thankfully, we were reassured that he just has an awful virus that he is struggling to kick. As much as I hate my beloved being sick, I'm thankful that he doesn't have anything more serious.
I also saw an endocrinologist once we got home. He believes that I have Hashimoto Disease which is an auto-immune disease that attacks the thyroid. As many of you remember, I've been struggling with thyroid disease since I delivered Jackson. For now, we're going to continue adjusting my dose of Synthroid and keep having follow-up visits. In June, we'll consider other options.
In other major news, Parker had his 6 month check up! The doctor says he is developmentally ahead of his actual age (yay!) and weighs 18.5 pounds! He's a chunky monkey! He has crawled a few inches (once), rolled over, makes lots of noises, blows raspberries, and grabs at toys! He's also sitting assisted and has even sat for a few minutes unassisted (but I stay close by because he tends to fall over once he's tired and doesn't catch himself). For a little boy, he's doing great! (Boys are typically a little further behind).
That's our family! My camera hasn't been functioning recently (I lost my camera battery charger...or more accurately, I'm pretty sure Jackson hid it when Ryan wasn't watching and now we can't find it) so I don't have any new pictures. Ryan did just buy me a new camera, so hopefully it'll arrive soon and I can take some pictures!
With love,
Anna
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