The longer Jackson is in the NICU, the further along his corrected ago becomes (he's 36 weeks and 2 days), and the bigger he becomes, the more anxious and upset I become. At this point, i can't help but think to myself, 'If I was just able to stay pregnant this long, I could have had Jackson and both of us be discharged from the hospital on the same day or close to it.' I realize that that is an outrageous statement because I didn't choose to have Jackson so early, but it is in my head none-the-less.
I'm just becoming so antsy to have him home. Now that he is so close, I just feel like I'm having one breakdown after the next. Granted, this could be my already out-of-whack hormones. The doctor's warned me I could become a complete nutcase because of the excess hormones in my body (thank goodness I'm seeing the endocrinologist on Thursday) but it doesn't lesson what I am feeling now.
I'm sorry. I don't think I'm articulating my feelings very well. Maybe this anxiety and frustration isn't something I can explain in words. I wish all of you could know what my heart is feeling, but then again, I'm very thankful that none of you have to know what my heart is feeling.
Today was a pretty good day for Jackson. He only had one very minor episode where he barely dropped his heartrate (to 100) and his O2 saturation (to the 60s). He took his full bottle (39 cc when he only required 37) and transferred 16 cc when we breastfed. The only change the doctor made today was to reduce the number of calories they are adding to my breastmilk from 30 to 28 (normal breastmilk has 20).
I'm hoping today will be another good day for him. He has ougrown most of his preemies clothes so I brought down his newborn ones today!! Expect lots of great pictures in new cute outfits! :)
Current Stats:
Weight: 5 pounds 2.9 ounces (lost a little due to lasix)
Respiratory: Oxygen Tank. 1/64 liter. One minor episode post feeding. Very few desats. Mainly 95-100 percent O2 saturation.
Feeding: Full feeds (37 cc every three hours). Completed one full bottle and transferred 16 cc breastfeeding.
Goals:
1. Keep on gaining weight!
2. Take another full bottle so we can increase his daily bottles from 1 to 2.
3. Continue transferring large amount while breastfeeding.
4. Wean off respiratory support.
5. Come home soon.
With love,
Anna
Anna,
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to tell you that I think you are a great mom - protective and loving! We are so happy for Jackson as he is getting so big and strong! I know it makes your heart swell! He is such a fighter. We can't wait to kiss his sweet cheeks. I faithfully keep up with his wonderful progression. Also, it took me almost 4 months to feel like I'm myself again and no longer under the "control" of hormones!
Thanks for the support Aidan! I learned how to be a great mom from watching moms like you!! :)
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