"What's an extra few days?"

Hi everyone. As many of you know, I'm not the best at expressing myself outwardly. I tend to just stomp my foot, repeat myself over and over, and shut down until I can make sense of uncomfortable or disheartening news. I, sadly, am in that mode today, so my blog will not be as articulate as usual.

Jackson continued to take less and less on his bottles. He outright refused his 11am. The night nurse last night discussed the need to go down on his bottles. When we arrived today, the charge nurse was at the desk and talked with us. She heard that we'd been having a rough few days (wow. These things really get out) and discussed with us the option to move to a quieter room away from the nurses station. She made some comment about Jackson being an older baby who had been in the NICU for a long time and needs lots of adult stimulation... I knew that was true, but it saddened me to hear it out loud put that way. Then, once we made it back to Jackson's room the nurse immediately said that she wanted to call the doctor and get Jackson put back on the nasal cannula to stop these desats. I was crushed! The strangest part was she asked what our opinion was... I don't want to have to give my opinion! My opinion is that he should either a) be in my uterus still or b) be at home. (Sorry, that sounds like a foot stomping thing to say)

After that, I fell apart. I am a terrible Mommy. I was so mad at Jackson for not getting it together. How awful is that? I was mad at my little 5 1/2 pound baby for not being able to breathe without assistance!! I am so embarrassed and ashamed at myself. I spent the entire morning crying. I was feeding him at the 11am, he was refusing to eat, and I just broke down and lost it. I had to give him to Ryan and leave. I went to the parent room and simply cried and cried and cried. It wasn't so much that he had to go back on the cannula, it was the realization that Jackson would not be ready to leave next week, would probably not make it home before my due date, and quite possibly, could be staying a long time past my due date. Yet again, this situation has proven to be as different as can be from the fantasy of childbirth and bring a child into our family.

As the afternoon progressed, I got better and better. I'm terribly embarrassed that I lost control like that in front of everyone and in front of Jackson. I know that our situation could be so much worse, and I'm terribly embarrassed for losing it. I feel like the worst Mommy in the whole NICU and the whole world.

I want my baby to be ready to come home. I feel such a sense of urgency that I feel isn't shared among everyone else. Many people are like "what's an extra few days? few weeks?" For me, it's an eternity. It's a few more days of sleepless nights worrying and pumping alone. It's a few more weeks of not having time to get laundry done, a clean house, and a non-PBandJ lunch. It's an eternity of not being able to walk around with my baby, introduce him to things like sunshine and the cats, and know that he's just like all of the other babies in the world. It's countless days of not knowing when he'll come home, waiting on backtracking, not having any control over much of anything, entrusting him to other people, and listening to the constant beep of the monitors. It's that many more days of dreaming of the NICU monitor beeps. I wish everyone else shared my sense of urgency to have him home.

Current Stats:
Weight: 5 pounds 11.4 ounces
Respiratory: Nasal Cannula. Oxygen Tank. 1/64 liter. Sating 99-100 percent.
Feeds: 4 PO feedings per day. 18 cc at 5am. 8 cc at 11am (refused bottle). 35 cc at 5pm (he was on nasal cannula at this point). 38 cc at 11pm. 24 calorie breastmilk. 45 cc every three hours.

Goals:
I can't even think about goals right now. My goal is to make it through tomorrow in one piece. I'll think about goals when I'm in a better place mentally and emotionally.

With love,
Anna