We don't want to move to the penthouse... EVER!

After yesterday, I'm done begging to move to the penthouse. No more pushing to have Jackson progress to the next step. No more wanting him to ride out his desats so they don't have to turn up his oxygen or flow. Jackson can take as long as he wants to progress. He can have as much flow or oxygen as he wants that day. Most importantly, we don't want to move to the penthouse... ever! He can stay on the second floor for months and months if that's what he needs. This mommy is finished trying to challenge and progress her little man.

Jackson had a very rough day yesterday and had the worst episode he's had since birth. When I got there this yesterday morning, he was desating into the seventies and sixties and didn't seem to want to go back to normal saturation. I tried holding him in different positions, massaging him, changing his diaper... everything! He had gone up on his oxygen and was still having problems. Eventually, our wonderful nurse asked the doctor if we could move from 2 1/2 liters back to 3 liters on the flow. We did, and it temporarily made a difference. Around 2pm, Jackson started desating frequently again so I decided to change his diaper and see if that would help. 5 diapers later, my little man had hopefully gotten all of his "presents" out of his system and would try to settle. By 2:30 pm, it was evident that he wasn't settled and was having a terrible time trying to breathe. He was sating in the 50s and 60s and was at 40 percent oxygen and high flow 3 liters. I was beginning to feel like something was very wrong. All of a sudden, Jackson dropped his saturation levels to the 30s, had two drops in heart rate back to back and couldn't seem to recover, and then started turning blue. That's right, his color started to change. Luckily, the most wonderful nurse in the whole wide world, Juliana, was right there and started working with him to get him to take deep breaths, raise his heart rate, and start bringing up his saturation levels which in turn made his color go back to normal. I just stood there, panicked, feeling like the most inadequate person, Mommy, entity in the entire universe. I just kept thinking, "I don't know how to help. I don't know what is wrong. Please help him."

Once Juliana opened him back up, he got much better and even dropped his oxygen requirement to 24 percent!! He hadn't been below 30 percent since he was put on high flow! When I just called a few minutes ago, he was requiring 23 percent and was sating in the 90s. I'm so thankful that Jackson is doing so much better. He did have two minor drops in heart rate yesterday afternoon, but he recovered on his own.

When I asked Juliana if this indicated a problem, she said no. That this is just a side effect of being premature. She said it was a moderate episode and that everything we'd experienced and thought was awful before was very minor. She also described to me what a worse situation could be, and I can never be thankful enough that we do not have to experience that. I also asked her if this was my fault... if I pushed too hard, overstimulated him, changed his diaper too many times, etc. She assured me that this wasn't my fault, but it's been 12 hours later and I still can't help but feel responsible.

All in all, I never want to move to the penthouse because I don't want to risk something like that happening without a wonderful nurse standing right there to help. I've always been calm under pressure but seeing my baby like that is gutwrenching and showed me just how inadequate I am to give him the full care he needs right now. I will never rush him again. He can progress at his own sweet pace and if Jackson isn't ready to come home until next May, I'll adapt to him and not push him to be ready in my time table.

Current Stats:
Weight 3 pounds 14.9 ounces (he dropped a little)
Respiratory: High Flow nasal cannula 3 liters. Requiring 23-30 percent oxygen.
Feeds: Full Feeds (29 cc every three hours) being ran over 1 1/2 hours to help with reflux.
Extras: Big Boy crib, maintaining temperature.